Closer - Saturday, February 6, 2010
So it's been a couple of months and I thought now would be a good time for a general update. Since my last entry, I've been back to my gynecological oncologist for the last time (hooray!!). My HCG levels are finally consistently less than 5 so I no longer have to get my blood drawn monthly. (Since January 2009, I was getting my blood drawn weekly, then bi-weekly, then monthly to observe my HCG levels since receiving the methotrexate treatments). This is a huge accomplishment for me and I'm proud of myself for enduring needles and constant pokes.
Acupuncture - I started going to an acupuncturist every two weeks. Heather, my acupuncturist is very cordial and pleasant. I love receiving acupuncture and I look forward to it as a way to turn my brain off and just rest and be at peace with myself for an hour. She's mainly been working on points that help with digestion since I recently was diagnosed with GERD (a whole other story). The research I read says good things about acupuncture and I look forward to seeing what affects it has on my body.
Midcycle Ultrasound - Recently I met with the RE to have a mid-cycle ultrasound. Since I've been charting my temperatures since August 2009, I was aware that I could possibly have a luteal phase defect and/or low progesterone levels. My periods have been very light with bleeding only lasting 1-2 days. So I was prepared to hear the doctor say that my uterine lining was thin and I may need progesterone supplements during pregnancy. What I was not prepared to hear was that my left ovary couldn't be found (due to a prior ovarian cyst removal) and that my right ovary's follicular development was not good. Apparently, there's wasn't a dominant egg follicle although there were a lot of smaller eggs. And last but not least, I have a fibroid.
Honestly, I was knocked off my foundation a bit. I hadn't expected this news!!! Or in other words WTF!!! Who knew that my anatomy wasn't working right and that the signals from my brain to my female parts aren't synchronized. I hadn't expected all of this...not again!!!! So my doctor wants me to take Clomid. Honestly, I wasn't happy about it at first but after talking with a couple of women who have been on it, I'm feeling a lot better about it. Last week was hard for me to wrap my head around all of this....I found myself feeling anxious, fearful, sad and just down right out of it. I was really in funk. I guess it's because we've waited a whole year to TTC again and I really had my hopes up that we'd be able to successfully get pregnant without medicine intervention. I've been praying a lot and asking God to heal whatever's broken in me. So when I heard the doctor tell me that my eggs are subpar...I was disappointed with my body.
Closer - The good news in all of this is that I believe that God is bringing me closer, day by day, little by little to HIS desired plan for me to have children. So I've had another slight set back....at the end of the day it's not the end of the world....it's a step closer. I've decided from here on out no matter what happens, I will not be afraid and I will be strong, confident and more determined than ever.
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Do You Remember the Time (when we fell in love) - Monday, November 16, 2009
It was exactly one year ago this month I was receiving daily chemotherapy injections of Methotrexate and Leucovorin as a result of my second miscarriage and continuously elevated HcG levels. So why am I so anxious right now? The fall has proven to not be my favorite months (health wise). In November 2007 we were actively trying to get pregnant. We were successful but our happiness turned quickly until indescribable sorrow and disappointment as I experienced a miscarriage in January 2008. Eager to move forward with our plans to have a child, we quickly got pregnant in May 2008 and once again it ended with a miscarriage. When I look back, 2008 was the worst year of my life....or was it. Sure I had experienced two devastating losses within 6 months, sure everyone around me was getting pregnant, sure I had to endure daily injections in my buttocks, sure I sat every day in the infusion room at The University of XXXX Cancer Center with really sick cancer patients, sure I had to be constantly reminded on my miscarriage as I bleed for 3-4 months straight, sure I had to endure telling my parents and in-laws (two times) that our attempts to conceive their grandchild failed, sure I had to endure constant blood draws, sure I was subjected to incompetent doctors who showed little empathy and didn’t have any answers, sure I had to endure countless reminders of pregnancy and childbirth (baby showers,etc), sure I was a little depressed and felt worthless and incomplete, sure the dreams that I had of carrying a pregnancy to term and bringing home our new bundle of joy seemed like a distant and unreachable vision…sure I cried and I prayed and I talked to God and asked Him the same questions, “Why me”, sure I doubted my faith and even God and was angry at HIM for allowing this to happen to me. I sure did. But what I have come to realize in all of this at this present moment is that God makes no mistakes. Through this humbling experience he has given me the capacity for grace, strength, courage, faith and reconciliation. I am so much more aware of the world and life and can easily recognize the tests that God gives me as a way to test my faith and my ability to see beyond my present struggles. I can testify that God is good (all the time). Even during stormy days, God is my glimmer of hope and light. For that I say, thank you God for showing me your presence. Thank you for showing me that you are in control of my destiny. Thank you for showing me that you are my rock and my salvation and that nothing in this world happens without you. So here we are. November 2009. 2 years from when this baby-making journey all began. There’s only a couple of words to describe my feelings and expectations as we try to conceive again:
Proverbs 3:5-6Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; 6 in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight Amen.
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A Love Blessing Thursday, August 27, 2009
My husband and I will be celebrating our 6th wedding anniversary this weekend. With the weekend rapidly approaching I'm experiencing feelings of sadness and happiness all at the same time. I'm sad because after six years of marriage, I haven't been able to give my husband the greatest gift of all, a baby. Where we've managed to do everything else right (marriage, house, dog and job), there's still an emptiness in our hearts and home for what we don't have. Earlier this week I found out that one my distant friends is 12 weeks pregnant (a mistake). I always feel happiness for those who get pregnant but once again, I beat myself up on why can she get pregnant and I can't...she's not even married...she is very premiscouis. I can say that I've come a long way, emotionally and spiritually but every now and then the feelings of self-doubt and lowered self-esteem haunt me. In the back of mind, God speaks and says soon you'll be looking back at what you've been thru and smile because I led you thru the storm into the rays of sweet sunshine. Oh how sweet and divine thy name!!
DH, has been a true supporter of me in all of this. He might not always know what to say when I complain but I feel the presence of his heart and love unconditionally and all the time. To my husband I say thank you for your greastest gift of all, You!!
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My Prayer - Sunday, March 8, 2009
To me 2009 has symbolized hope, faith, change and transition. I am hopeful that God will continue to strengthen me and deliver me spiritually.
I am excited about my first appointment with the Reproductive Endocrinologist on Tuesday, March 10th. I didn't realize my appointment with him would be so soon but God moves in mysterious ways. I went to visit my new internist and she mentioned that the RE office was in the same building, one level down. She suggessted I make appointment since I was already there. I walked in and the office was so serene and comforting. The receptionist was very professional and pleasant. Various art pieces were scattered on the walls and the mood and aura seemed to be just right...not as clinical as I'm used to. I was able to make an appointment right then on the spot for a week later. God does things in HIS time and perhaps the timing of this appointment, being so soon, is God's voice that he's working out his plan for me. I'm faithfull!!
I don't really have any expectations for this appointment. I imagine there will be a lot of questions about my health and my gyncological history. I'm hopeful that God will work through him and with HIS guidance, the RE will provide a plan for me.
I'll be sure to provide an update.
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Movin' on up!! Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Well since I wrote last time, I feel alot better. The fog is slowly lifting and I'm starting to breathe fresh air again. I know God is with me, protecting me, strengthing me and teaching me every step of the way.
I visited my grandmother this past weekend and she kept asking over and over again, "When are you having a baby?", "Why is it taking so long?". A couple of weeks ago I would've let these innocent words upset me but I felt that God was testing me this time. He was testing my reaction to see how strong I would be in my response. I simply said, "We're waiting too" and "Pray for us". I felt good that I was able to speak these words and not crumble and feel sorry for myself.
These words reflect my testament that God is bringing me thru this challenge. It's been a long and painful upward climb, but I think I am now standing on top of the mountain, looking behind me. I am faithfully looking ahead and I know that going down is always easier than going up.
God will continue to guide my path and bless me with children in HIS time.
I have a doctor's appointment on Thursday as a follow up with my gyn oncologist. I can honesly say that I don't have many expectations as I have seen her before and she is not the best patient advocate. However, I feel like this is the first step in the right direction to getting pregnant again. I hold this scripture close to my heart, "It is better to trust in the LORD than to put confidence in a MAN (Psalms 118:8)". I pray that God works thru my doctors.
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Still Healing... Mood Friday, January 30, 2009
January 19, 2009 was the one year anniversay of my miscarriage.I can honestly say I was not prepared for the emotion and depression that resurfaced. Last week I felt like like Satan's evil twin sister (note: I usually have a rather plesant disposition) and I feel bad for the many people that I involved in my rage, including my husband. I'm still healing. I thought I had reconciled my feelings and emotions but the truth is I've been good at just ignoring them and trying to see the brighter side of things. It also doesn't help that I have to deal with 6 new mothers at my job everyday;listening to their stories about Little Johnny and how he's starting to coo and say "mama". Plus one of my really good friends is due in April 2009 and I'm finding it a challenge to be excited for her.
I'm learning that's it okay to be angry and upset about my miscarriages and that I have to let myself grieve naturally and when necessary. However, now that the anniversary week is over, the grey clouds have parted and I'm eager to start the journey again. God is teaching me many things through this challenge, and my mind and heart are open to receive all the HE wants me to learn.
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